By Kelly Kazek
kelly@athensnews-courier.com
January 11, 2008 08:36 pm
—
No one told me when I became a parent that the rules would keep changing.
Had I known, I might have given the situation more careful consideration.
Last weekend, I pulled to the curb to drop Shannon at a friend’s house. I waved hello to her friend Faith, who was standing outside with two boys from their school.
“Mo-o-om,” said Shannon, a high school freshman. “Don’t wave.”
I was befuddled.
I knew not to pick her up while wearing a green, moisturizing facial mask and curlers in my hair.
I knew not to create a MySpace account and invite her group to join my Friends list.
I knew not to holler, “Pick you up at 8, Doodlebug.”
I even knew not to spit on my fingers and smooth her bangs in public.
I didn’t know not to wave.
When she was in eighth grade, waving was permissible.
Without a rulebook, how are we parents supposed to keep up?
I tried reminding Shannon that I manage to follow more rules than some of her friends’ parents, like the mom who wipes her daughter’s cheeks and says, “That blush makes you look like a Hollywood streetwalker.”
On behalf of moms everywhere, I decided to start my own list, one we can use to remind our kids they were embarrassing us long before they felt the need to ride to school in the trunk so they can say, “My mom? No, that’s just some woman who tried to kidnap me on the way to school.”
After interviewing a few other moms on the subject, I compiled a partial list:
1. At age 1, smiled adorably from the store shopping cart before spewing a substance that looked like curdled potato soup on Mommy’s two-day-old black suede jacket. Customers ran; stout woman slipped on spewage and an ambulance was called. The woman survived; the jacket did not.
2. At age 2, returned from a trip to the restaurant bathroom with Mommy and loudly announced to the group of friends at the table: “I went poo-poo in the potty.” People at next table applaud, but leave without eating.
3. Age 3, did a strip tease in preschool bawdy enough to rival the Paris Hilton tape. Parents of three little boys threatened sexual harassment lawsuits.
4. Age 5, after overhearing Mommy whisper to a friend while in line at the bank, said loudly, “Mommy, I don’t think that lady’s hairdo makes her look like Cyndi Lauper on crack.”
5. Age 6, when asked by first grade teacher to draw a picture of your family engaged in favorite activities, drew Mommy drinking a glass of wine and watching soap operas and Daddy scratching his stomach and burping. Hung on the wall in the first grade hallway for a month.
Want to add to the list? Send me an e-mail. Maybe I’ll even publish a book.
In the meantime, feel free to clip the list to use during the next argument with your teen. You probably still won’t win, but at least you’ll no longer be unarmed.
You can reach Kelly Kazek at kelly@athensnews-courier.com.
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