March 10, 2008 09:51 am
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Look, I enjoyed throwing rolls of toilet paper up in trees as much as the next giggling teenage girl.
There’s nothing quite so exhilarating as wondering if Mr. Smith would hear the roll of two-ply, pastel-pink Charmin bounce off the gutter and awaken to catch you standing knee deep in sweat and excuses on the front lawn — and if he would be carrying a shotgun.
Does that mean I would relive those glorious high school years?
I would rather have my bangs singed off. Oh, wait. That actually happened. We referred to it as the Bunsen Burner Incident, or at least my high school chemistry teacher Mrs. Powers did when she used me as a lesson in lab safety for the next several years. (In my defense, no one ever warned me that girls with shellacked bangs should not lean over the experiment area.).
I don’t know about the rest of the class, but the lesson I learned about chemical reactions that day was one I will never forget: Fire + AquaNet = really bad hair day. Really, really bad. I’m surprised Mrs. Powers didn’t make a poster with my before and after photos and the slogan: “These are your bangs. These are your bangs on fire.”
A hairdo that looked like Cyndi Lauper’s and smelled like roadkill is not the only reason I would not relive high school (think shoulder-padded blouses and skin-tight Gloria Vanderbilts), which makes it hard to understand why anyone would want to watch TV Land’s latest reality entry “High School Reunion.”
The promos alone were enough to make me cringe: Still Most Popular Girl finds former Pipsqueak Guy has — over the course of 20 years since the competition has married, been incarcerated or developed large beer guts — been elevated to Reality Show Stud. As if this didn’t promise drama enough, the show also features former Class Party Boy and his Shrewish Ex-Wife.
In one promo, a classmate we’ll call Girl Who Never Directly Caused the Trouble but Was Always Standing Nearby When the You-Know-What-Hit tells Shrewish Ex-Wife that some devilish former classmate has drawn a mustache on her photo.
Do not waste your time wondering why Shrewish Ex-Wife brought a framed photo of herself to this reunion gig. It will only make your head hurt.
Instead, we should ponder what sort of chaos will ensue in the dastardly Mustache Drawing Incident. In the promo, Shrewish Ex-Wife says: “I don’t have to put up with this,” or something similarly threatening.
Ooooh. Now I’m intrigued. The only thing that could keep me from the TV on “Reunion” night is a statewide blackout or more interesting viewing like, say, the little spots I get in front of my eyes during a massive migraine.
Watching kids act like kids in high school was painful. Watching grown people — and I use the term only in the most medical sense — act like kids in high school is a torment worse than a worldwide chocolate shortage.
When will someone come up with interesting TV that adults can enjoy, perhaps a documentary on a historical event like the Bunsen Burner Incident? (Conspiracy theories were tossed around but, in the end, only Aqua Net and carelessness were to blame).
How did it turn out?
You’ll be happy to know my mom — like any good Southern woman— realized that appearances came before schoolwork and checked me out of class for a serious deep-conditioning treatment at the closest beauty shop.
But to this day, I flinch at the sight of flames — and Cyndi Lauper posters.
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