Warning labels needed for more than teen drivers

April 25, 2009 11:00 am

— Legislators are bound and determined to make New Jersey safe from teen drivers — which is probably a good thing. I still say a designated learner’s lane with bumpers is not a bad idea.
If Eisenhower could create an entire interstate system, I don’t see why we can’t create an interstate bumper-car system. I’m just sayin.’
But while New Jersey legislators want teen drivers to place decals on their cars marking them as learners so the rest of us can take alternate routes on, say, Jupiter, I am wondering when someone is going to sit up and take notice of my proposal for safer highways — namely to create a computerized scrolling screen for cars that would let us know when drivers are listening to “YMCA.”
It has never been proven but I’m sure DWYMCA (driving while “YMCA”-ing) has led to countless accidents. I know because I almost caused some of them.
Well?
Have you ever tried singing it without making the hand motions?
Don’t get me wrong. It would certainly help to let people know they were driving behind a newly minted driver.
If New Jersey requires the giant “L” decal for “learner” we likely would afford those drivers more courtesy, meaning allowing them more space so they could hit somebody else’s car if they miscalculate the turn.
But why stop there?
Perhaps drivers prone to putting on mascara while driving could put big “M” decals on their cars.
Drivers who balance their checkbooks while driving could, well, just have a big “S” for “stupid.”
Obviously, pastors’ cars should be clearly marked at all times so you know not to make obscene gestures. It is an unwritten rule that ministers from any denomination can drive as slowly as they want and no one can point any digits other then the index finger in their direction or use curse words outside their context in the Bible.
Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if our boss’ car were marked, too, so we don’t arrive at work to learn this bit of trivia: she is an excellent lip reader.
My daughter Shannon soon will be a driver. Of course, I recently signed a legally binding contract which forbids me to write about her in this column lest she take me to court and win all the family assets, by which I mean the cats, so instead I will talk about one of her friends who is getting her license at about the same time.
Her name is, er, Thannon. Yeah, that’s right, Thannon.
So, Thannon will be 16 in three months and her mother — who by the way is very attractive and intelligent — has been thinking of ways to keep Thannon from hitting other cars and other cars from hitting her.
To ensure Thannon’s safety on the road, her mother — did I mention she also is stylish? — is considering the following steps:
• Purchasing her grandmother’s 1985 Buick with only 15,000 miles on it. You can’t get that kind of full metal jacket in a Hummer;
• Hiding the Disco Gold CD with “YMCA” on it;
• Ordering a specially made decal that says: Proud Daughter of an Uninsured, Unemployed Mother Who, Even If You Sue Her, Could Not Give You One Red Cent.
Other than that, Thannon likely will be coated in layers of bubble wrap whenever she leaves the house and have a curfew of, say, 8 p.m.
Or maybe it’s time to just move to Jupiter.

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