Real estate available for corporate sponsorship

May 02, 2009 01:44 pm

— In Chattanooga, officials found a way to save public funds by having a private company fill the potholes in city streets. All they had to do was let the company paint “Refurbished by KFC” across the newly paved roads.
Not such a bad deal.
So I’ve got a proposal for KFC and I’ll let them tattoo “Tummy tuck by KFC” right across my midsection in exchange.
I’ll even wear a little diamond chicken leg belly-button ring.
For all you other corporate sponsors out there, I’m giving you notice my hindend is prime real estate that currently is large enough for a “Lipo by KFC” sign. After all, I hold the fried chicken franchise personally responsible for at least some of its spread. My dad didn’t call me Tater Butt just because it sounded cute.
Well, it did kinda sound cute when it was hollered across the Walmart that time.
“Tater Butt, would you come to the Customer Service counter, please? Tater Butt?”
No need for a last name. What kid’s going to answer to Tater Butt? Well, except me.
KFC did had a slight public relations problem with PETA, that group of animal rights activists -- by which I mean people who have forgotten they are actually, well, people -- who also wanted to pave potholes in Chattanooga and cover them with depictions of Col. Sanders as the devil. Poor ol’ Col. Sanders. Give him a break. He died before he even knew it was wrong to stuff a bunch of chickens in cages on a big ol’ truck.
Any-hoo, using private funds to better our public world could be a good thing.
Corporations already have taken over stadiums and arenas.
Think of the possibilities.
We could one day drive across McDonald’s Bridge with its golden arches.
Our kids could be driven to school on Taco Bell buses.
And, let’s be honest, ball fields could do with a better class of food. A little war between Chick-fil-A and Zaxby’s could only benefit us parents, although, not, of course, our hindends.
If only La Z Boy would bid for the rights to the bleachers, we’d be all set.
And just think if Walmart would sponsor schools. Teachers’ eyes would glaze as they picture the endless supplies of glue, finger paints, and No. 2 pencils. And you could almost picture class moms’ eyes tear up at the thought of all the paper towels and hand sanitizer … and maybe even a few pudding cups for when the days get a little stressful.
All I ask is that, if allowed to sponsor high schools, Burger King and McDonald’s keep that freaky smiling king and weird red-headed clown off the football fields.
They scare the kids.
Not unlike my diamond chicken leg belly button ring would.

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