By Kelly Kazek
kelly@athensnews-courier.com
June 27, 2008 12:16 pm
—
I’ve never been afraid of germs because, frankly, I can’t see them.
I chose not to become a highly paid research scientist just so I would never have to look at a germ up close in its natural habitat, namely somewhere on my person.
I live by the motto: What you can’t see can’t hurt you — as long as it is not giving off vile odors, which unfortunately does not include the green stuff that grows on leftovers in my fridge.
So I went blissfully through my days, actually using the knob to open the bathroom door, not thinking about all the Things That Could Kill Me that might have been deposited on it during the course of a normal day.
At night, I slept blissfully on my favorite pillow, inhaling deeply of its familiar fresh scent.
But then some moronic television announcers decided to ruin life as I know it by not only describing the germs around my house but by showing animated pictures of nasty little green things to depict said germs.
I was watching a Lysol commercial in which a kid catches a basketball thrown by another kid, presumably one who has recently finished a long session of nose picking. The germs on the ball are animated as writhing, green worm-like creatures (that presumably came from the other kid’s nose) that then deposit themselves wherever the boy touches.
Then there’s a commercial depicting plaque as animated things that look like little pieces of hardened mucus floating around between your teeth unless, of course, you have the good sense to brush them with whichever brand of toothpaste kills the writhing mucus creatures.
But the commercial that made me really fear germs was the one for mattresses showing a close-up animated depiction of dust mites, which do not, as the name implies, resemble adorable little balls of fluff. Instead, they have heads and legs and big long chomping fangs, which even though that are the size of a pinhead look deadly.
Mr. TV Announcer Guy proceeds to tell us that, over the course of 10 years, mattresses double in weight because of all the dust mites that crawled inside and dropped dead.
My head filled with a buzzing noise. My mattress is filled with not just dust mites, but the deceased carcasses of dust mites?!! I’m sleeping on a dust mite graveyard, filled with tiny appendages (bones? limbs?) and pieces of broken-off fangs.
Will TV Announcer Guys stop at nothing to sell a product?
The laugh’s on them, though. Why would I buy a new mattress only to have a herd (colony, gaggle?) of dust mites move in?
No thanks. I will not be landlord to Dust Mite Manor.
Plus, what if they revolted over living conditions (OK, so I’ve gained a few pounds) and threw me off my own bed in the middle of the night?
I’ve taken to sleeping on a piece of plywood on the floor because Mr. TV Announcer Guy didn’t make it clear how many dust mites might live in my carpet. Now I brush with plaque-control toothpaste and turn doorknobs in my home only when wearing surgical gloves.
I don’t dare breathe the scent of my pillow for fear I will be sucking up some fanged, worm-like organism that would go straight to my brain and eat it.
Still, things could be worse.
I may be afraid of germs but, by comparison, the green stuff on my leftovers doesn’t look half bad.
When not eating green leftovers, Kelly Kazek can be reached at kelly@athensnews-courier.com.
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