Annoying behavior calls for 'citizen's a-ray-est'

By Kelly Kazek
kelly@athensnews-courier.com

July 07, 2008 09:42 am

— Finally, a government found the courage to do what the rest of us have wanted to do — outlaw annoying behavior.
Australian police were given authority to impose a fine of more than $5,000 on anyone who “causes annoyance or inconvenience” during a World Youth Day event later this month that the Pope will attend.
If only our federal government had the guts to ban annoying behavior here.
Think of it.
When the woman at the supermarket waits until her groceries are rung up, bagged, taken to her car and neatly arranged in her pantry before she takes out her checkbook, we could holler, Gomer-like, “Citizens a-ray-est!” (Ever notice, too, that these people are always incredibly slow writers, like they are trying to win the third-grade penmanship medal?)
Those of us who KNEW we were going to have to pay for our groceries before we even went in the store will finally have the last laugh.
And we could put our cars in gear and not-so-gently push the car in front of us through the drive-in bank lane if the driver chooses to sit in line and balance his checkbook, research a few stocks and clip his toenails after his transaction is completed. Don’t tell me y’all haven’t thought about it. But it would be nice to have the government’s support.
I do foresee a problem, though.
We would need more jails to hold all the teenagers. Face it, teens don’t have the money to pay such steep fines and their parents aren’t likely to. And wouldn’t they be the age group voted Most Annoying?
Who hasn’t wanted to slap cuffs on the kid whose hind-end was showing above pants that hover around his knees?
Last month, a Florida man took out a gun and shot a teen, whom he did not know, after ordering the teen to pull up his sagging shorts. The teen was only slightly injured and, while I certainly don’t condone violence, I sense a movement is growing.
Oh, and most fun of all would be getting out of our cars at red lights, tapping on the window of the teen driver behind us, and telling him he better stop vibrating us like a load of laundry if he doesn’t want us to call the police — or at the very least make him listen to Celine Dion until he curls fetal-like and begs, “Make it stop; make it stop!”
In a news story about the annoyance law, Australians were babbling on about “civil rights” and “freedom of speech.”
Some attorneys claim it’s “unnecessary and repugnant” to impose fines on “behaviour” that inconveniences.
I object.
I also object to the use of the word “repugnant” and the fact that Australians feel the need to put that “u” in the word “behavior” but that’s another column.
I do realize, however, determining some annoyances is subjective. For instance, it’s likely not everyone was as annoyed as I when my teen daughter called from the beach where she went with a friend’s family last month and said: “Mom, how do you feel about bellybutton piercings?”
I felt sick, to tell the truth, and was only marginally relieved when she came home with three holes in her ear instead.
But surely we parents can agree that the condition of teens’ bathrooms is an annoyance and an inconvenience to the entire world. I mean, fungus is universal.
Last week when Shannon had a friend sleep over, I attached a note to her shower curtain when I left for work the next morning: Friends don’t let friends shower in a tub that looks like this.
It worked — temporarily.
If only we could impose fines.
Oh, wait. Then I would have to loan her the money to pay them — now that’s a really repugnant thought.

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