Moms heed this warning: Never, ever wait until you are in the throes of severe labor pains and the fog of heavy narcotics before choosing a baby name.

It’s during this time that moms have been known to become angry at someone: the doctor for not getting the baby out fast enough, the nurse who refused to let her drink water, the mother-in-law who keeps smiling and yammering about the joys of motherhood, her husband for getting her into the situation, her husband for smiling and yammering about the joys of motherhood, her husband because he didn’t gain 40 pounds, and, yes, perhaps even the tiny, innocent baby who, I must point out, did not ask to be there.

But the combination of narcotics and anger can be the only explanations for the name a New Zealand mom saddled her daughter with: Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii.

It’s a matter of court record. Would I lie to y’all?

A New Zealand judge, who was handling the case in which Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii’s parents split and were fighting for her custody, decided the parents had psychologically damaged the 9-year-old, who told classmates her name was “K” to avoid teasing. The judge, expressing his displeasure over the rash of strange names for babies, made Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii (I just like the sound of it) a ward of the court so she could change her name.

Maybe Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii (last time, I promise) will become “Ann” or “Mary.”

Apparently, registrars in New Zealand can refuse to record some requested names, such as Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit.

Shame. I would’ve liked to meet Sex Fruit.

But names that got past the registrars include Number 16 Bus Shelter, Midnight Chardonnay and Violence.

Let’s see: “Number 16 Bus Shelter?” This child’s parents likely were celebrating the site of conception, which gives us a good reason to avoid public transportation when visiting New Zealand.

“Midnight Chardonnay?” Only two occupations await her: stripper-slash-porn star or soap opera actress. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s good to have choices.

“Violence?” Clearly, these parents are hoping for a rapper who makes enough coin that they can trade their hoopty ride for a tricked-out Benz wagon.

But if the judge thinks this trend is occurring only in New Zealand, he hasn’t been watching Entertainment Tonight.

Everyone thought Michael Jackson naming his child Blanket was a sign of the same mind-eating illness that turned his skin white and caused his nose to fall off but in reality, he was a trendsetter. It wasn’t long before actor Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspecktor, magician Penn Jillette named his daughter Moxie Crimefighter, reality star Rooster McConaughey (brother of Matthew) named his son Miller Lyte and actor Rob Morrow named his son Tu (read the names together.)

Obviously, celebrities have a motive for their cruelty: A few mentions in the press and another two minutes of fame at the expense of their kids’ wellbeing and their ability to attract mates later in life.