The News Courier in Athens, Alabama

Kelly Kazek

December 12, 2008

Bet no one else will get her dead squirrel earrings this Christmas

With only 10 shopping days left ’til Christmas, some of you women may be starting to panic: What can you buy that incredibly picky, er, discriminating person on your list?

Meanwhile, if you’re a guy, you’re thinking: “I still have nine days before I have to think about Christmas shopping. Why am I reading this?”

But for those who are worried about how to choose the most unique gift this year, never fear. Have I ever let you down?

Fine, have I ever let you down this week?

I have gathered some of the year’s best gifts right here in this handy, portable column.

Just clip this list and take it shopping with you:

• Squirrel’s foot earrings. The perfect gift for that special lady in your life who is disposed, so to speak, to making fashion statements from road kill. The makers of the $65 earrings,, also sell human tooth rings for $100 — great for hockey players; they have replacements right on hand — and gold-leafed dove claw earrings for $85.

• Cologne that smells like kindergarten. Have one of those men in your life who can’t enter a room without saying, “Pull my finger” or burping the Star Spangled Banner? For only $19.99, you can buy him the perfect gift: Cologne that smells like Play-Doh. also sells cologne that smells like crayons and Junior Mints, so you can satisfy your man-child no matter what stage of development he’s in.

• A well-named bat. Not a bat BAT. A bat — as in flying mammal. Well, the recipient doesn’t really get the bat, just the satisfaction of knowing there’s a species of bat flying around Central America that bears the recipient’s name. Purdue University is auctioning the naming rights to seven newly discovered species of bats and two species of turtles. One of the species is a bat that weighs less than a teaspoon of water, according to the university. Because that also is my goal weight, I hope someone bids for me and names it “Kellius Skinnimus.” I like the sound of it. Of course, “Kellius Beautimus” sounds even better.

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Kelly Kazek
  • kazek, kelly.jpg A relaxing nakation will melt away worries

    September 23, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Today's interactive column: What's your Bacon Number?

    Google has created a search engine that automatically calculates any actor’s “Bacon Number,” meaning how many connections it takes to link him or her to Kevin Bacon, á la the parlor game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

    September 16, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Biography of Kelly Kazek

    Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.

    November 8, 2011 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Warning: Get ready for the apawcalypse

    Humans are being cat-washed — and I don’t mean by little sandpapery tongues.

    September 2, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg A wish for peace, perfect parking space

    August 26, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg What? Like you’ve never glued a foot to the floor

    ... I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me. I like men, especially Channing Tatum, and I don’t even care if he’s smart. So today, in the interest of fairness, I want to give equal space to Stupid Girl Tricks.

    August 19, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Fall of the South? Much ado about Honey Boo Boo

    It’s been 80 years since those living in the Great Depression focused on Shirley Temple to lift them from doldrums. In 2012, in the midst of the Great Recession ... Americans have a new bubbly, curly-headed icon to take their minds off their woes: Honey Boo Boo Child.

    August 12, 2012 3 Photos

  • kazek, kelly.jpg ‘Man aisle?’ What about a single mom aisle?

    I like to tell my peeps I don’t think all men are stupid. Just the ones who practically beg me to write about them like William Bonner of Augusta, Ga., who last week poured a shot of Bacardi 151 on his head and asked a friend to light it

    August 5, 2012 1 Photo

  • A girls’ guide to safe thong-wearing

    Yes, a pair of panties, which in my experience have always been non-violent, has joined the list of items mamas must warn children about: “You are not old enough for your own thong. You could put your eye out.”

    July 29, 2012

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Solutions for 'toe-besity,' bad mug shots

    I personally never worry about slimming down an area I can hide with a nice pair of Easy Spirits and instead concentrate on fat in places that could lead people to think I am pregnant … or a beached manatee … or a pregnant beached manatee.

    July 28, 2012 3 Photos



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