By Kelly Kazek
With only 10 shopping days left ’til Christmas, some of you women may be starting to panic: What can you buy that incredibly picky, er, discriminating person on your list?
Meanwhile, if you’re a guy, you’re thinking: “I still have nine days before I have to think about Christmas shopping. Why am I reading this?”
But for those who are worried about how to choose the most unique gift this year, never fear. Have I ever let you down?
Fine, have I ever let you down this week?
I have gathered some of the year’s best gifts right here in this handy, portable column.
Just clip this list and take it shopping with you:
• Squirrel’s foot earrings. The perfect gift for that special lady in your life who is disposed, so to speak, to making fashion statements from road kill. The makers of the $65 earrings, lovedtodeath.com, also sell human tooth rings for $100 — great for hockey players; they have replacements right on hand — and gold-leafed dove claw earrings for $85.
• Cologne that smells like kindergarten. Have one of those men in your life who can’t enter a room without saying, “Pull my finger” or burping the Star Spangled Banner? For only $19.99, you can buy him the perfect gift: Cologne that smells like Play-Doh. Perpetualkid.com also sells cologne that smells like crayons and Junior Mints, so you can satisfy your man-child no matter what stage of development he’s in.
• A well-named bat. Not a bat BAT. A bat — as in flying mammal. Well, the recipient doesn’t really get the bat, just the satisfaction of knowing there’s a species of bat flying around Central America that bears the recipient’s name. Purdue University is auctioning the naming rights to seven newly discovered species of bats and two species of turtles. One of the species is a bat that weighs less than a teaspoon of water, according to the university. Because that also is my goal weight, I hope someone bids for me and names it “Kellius Skinnimus.” I like the sound of it. Of course, “Kellius Beautimus” sounds even better.
• Tattoo parlor play set. For the child ages 6 and under in your life who can’t get enough of the TV show “LA Ink,” comes the perfect gift: a play salon set where kids can practice tattooing Bratz dolls. You always knew with that eyeliner and that “z” at the end of Bratz, these were no pussycat dolls, but really a gang of wild women, no matter how innocently wide their eyes are.
• Poo jewelry. Say your sweetums doesn’t care if you go to Jared or if every kiss begins with Kay, and she’s not so much into jewelry that once was a living being (see item No. 1 above). Try the gift that keeps on giving: Moose poo. Tellmewhereonearth.com is one of several outlets that sell necklaces and earrings made of shellacked moose droppings. And you doubters thought “poo” was just another word for “waste material.” Or send a family member an ornament made from reindeer poo, sold at the Bloomington, Ill., Zoo. Talk about regifting opportunities: These items make great fertilizer in the spring.
Speaking of poo from Illinois, here’s my last gift idea and it’s a biggie:
• U.S. Senate seat from Illinois. Granted this is not a gift for just anyone. But if you have unlimited cash, this could be the perfect gift if you know someone who has a couple of bodyguards and can convincingly make threats like “You want I should make you sleep with da (bleeping) fishes?”
The recipient also should be able to withstand head butts from Gov. Blagojevich’s helmet hair, just in case. He seems a tad, well, less stable than his hairspray.
And those are my tips to make your Christmas perfect.
You don’t have to thank me.
Just send cash.
You can reach Kelly Kazek at firstname.lastname@example.org.