The News Courier in Athens, Alabama

Kelly Kazek

December 12, 2008

Bet no one else will get her dead squirrel earrings this Christmas

(Continued)



• Tattoo parlor play set. For the child ages 6 and under in your life who can’t get enough of the TV show “LA Ink,” comes the perfect gift: a play salon set where kids can practice tattooing Bratz dolls. You always knew with that eyeliner and that “z” at the end of Bratz, these were no pussycat dolls, but really a gang of wild women, no matter how innocently wide their eyes are.

• Poo jewelry. Say your sweetums doesn’t care if you go to Jared or if every kiss begins with Kay, and she’s not so much into jewelry that once was a living being (see item No. 1 above). Try the gift that keeps on giving: Moose poo. Tellmewhereonearth.com is one of several outlets that sell necklaces and earrings made of shellacked moose droppings. And you doubters thought “poo” was just another word for “waste material.” Or send a family member an ornament made from reindeer poo, sold at the Bloomington, Ill., Zoo. Talk about regifting opportunities: These items make great fertilizer in the spring.

Speaking of poo from Illinois, here’s my last gift idea and it’s a biggie:

• U.S. Senate seat from Illinois. Granted this is not a gift for just anyone. But if you have unlimited cash, this could be the perfect gift if you know someone who has a couple of bodyguards and can convincingly make threats like “You want I should make you sleep with da (bleeping) fishes?”

The recipient also should be able to withstand head butts from Gov. Blagojevich’s helmet hair, just in case. He seems a tad, well, less stable than his hairspray.

And those are my tips to make your Christmas perfect.

You don’t have to thank me.

Just send cash.



You can reach Kelly Kazek at kelly@athensnews-courier.com.

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Kelly Kazek
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    ... I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me. I like men, especially Channing Tatum, and I don’t even care if he’s smart. So today, in the interest of fairness, I want to give equal space to Stupid Girl Tricks.

    August 19, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Fall of the South? Much ado about Honey Boo Boo

    It’s been 80 years since those living in the Great Depression focused on Shirley Temple to lift them from doldrums. In 2012, in the midst of the Great Recession ... Americans have a new bubbly, curly-headed icon to take their minds off their woes: Honey Boo Boo Child.

    August 12, 2012 3 Photos

  • kazek, kelly.jpg ‘Man aisle?’ What about a single mom aisle?

    I like to tell my peeps I don’t think all men are stupid. Just the ones who practically beg me to write about them like William Bonner of Augusta, Ga., who last week poured a shot of Bacardi 151 on his head and asked a friend to light it

    August 5, 2012 1 Photo

  • A girls’ guide to safe thong-wearing

    Yes, a pair of panties, which in my experience have always been non-violent, has joined the list of items mamas must warn children about: “You are not old enough for your own thong. You could put your eye out.”

    July 29, 2012

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Solutions for 'toe-besity,' bad mug shots

    I personally never worry about slimming down an area I can hide with a nice pair of Easy Spirits and instead concentrate on fat in places that could lead people to think I am pregnant … or a beached manatee … or a pregnant beached manatee.

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