• Tattoo parlor play set. For the child ages 6 and under in your life who can’t get enough of the TV show “LA Ink,” comes the perfect gift: a play salon set where kids can practice tattooing Bratz dolls. You always knew with that eyeliner and that “z” at the end of Bratz, these were no pussycat dolls, but really a gang of wild women, no matter how innocently wide their eyes are.
• Poo jewelry. Say your sweetums doesn’t care if you go to Jared or if every kiss begins with Kay, and she’s not so much into jewelry that once was a living being (see item No. 1 above). Try the gift that keeps on giving: Moose poo. Tellmewhereonearth.com is one of several outlets that sell necklaces and earrings made of shellacked moose droppings. And you doubters thought “poo” was just another word for “waste material.” Or send a family member an ornament made from reindeer poo, sold at the Bloomington, Ill., Zoo. Talk about regifting opportunities: These items make great fertilizer in the spring.
Speaking of poo from Illinois, here’s my last gift idea and it’s a biggie:
• U.S. Senate seat from Illinois. Granted this is not a gift for just anyone. But if you have unlimited cash, this could be the perfect gift if you know someone who has a couple of bodyguards and can convincingly make threats like “You want I should make you sleep with da (bleeping) fishes?”
The recipient also should be able to withstand head butts from Gov. Blagojevich’s helmet hair, just in case. He seems a tad, well, less stable than his hairspray.
And those are my tips to make your Christmas perfect.
You don’t have to thank me.
Just send cash.
You can reach Kelly Kazek at firstname.lastname@example.org.