I know you’ve all been putting off your Christmas shopping until I published my annual Seriously Weird Stuff You Can Give Your Loved Ones at Christmas Guide.
Worry no more! Once again I am coming to your rescue.
This year, though, my list is a little different. So before I begin, I need all the guys out there to raise your hands. Higher. How am I supposed to get an accurate count?
OK, now, give the newspaper to your wife, significant other, mother or daughter, whichever is more likely to spend more on your Christmas gift.
Then, shoo, skedaddle, vamoose. Go watch football or pull someone’s finger or whatever it is you guys do.
But do not read this column! You’ll thank me on Christmas day.
Oh, and put your hands down. It looks like you need permission to go to the bathroom or something. And why are you still reading this?! Do I sound like I’m joking?
Are they gone? OK, ladies, here’s the deal. For the first time ever, I have decided to focus on finding the most unique gifts for guys. Just because I am a guy-less single mom does not mean I do not have discerning taste where men’s gifts are concerned.
Let’s face it, women buy men what we want them to have: A new suit coat to wear to church, a cordless drill perfect for hanging curtain rods, a new weedwacker, clean underwear, matching socks, maybe a belt to solve that crack problem he developed when he gained a pound or twenty.
Do we ever stop to ask ourselves what our men really want? No, we do not.
Why? Because we really don’t want to know.
That’s why I did the research for you. As an intrepid journalist, I am accustomed to delving deep into the muck to reach my goal. You don’t have to thank me. Just send chocolate.
The gifts I discovered to make your man’s Christmas perfect fall into three testosterone-filled categories: beer accessories, toilet accessories and, well, bacon.
When you first began your hunt for the perfect gift, you may have overlooked bacon. But, as I have learned, bacon is to men what bones are to dogs, chocolate is to women and Hugh Jackman is to me, which is: drool-worthy.
Sure, you wouldn’t just give your man a couple of pounds of raw pork — mainly because that’s what he bought you for your last anniversary.
But you might try a blown-glass ornament in the shape of a slice of perfectly fried bacon ($7.95 on eBay), which you could hang on the tree beside the bacon-flavored candy canes ($8 at Urban Outfitters).
For the remainder of the year, he could enjoy a canister of porkcorn, bacon flavored popcorn that is $4.99 at thinkgeek.com. Just to be sure he can savor the flavor throughout the day and night, put a tube of bacon-flavored toothpaste in this stocking ($4.99 at FunSlurpGifts.com).
If you’re really feeling frisky, dab a little bacon-scented perfume behind your ears (or, if the economy’s got you strapped for cash, use leftover bacon grease or, in an emergency, a dollop of Deviled Ham) and see what happens. Just be sure to put the dog out first.
If your guy is the activist type and has begun a movement called Occupy the Recliner, there are dozens of handy gadgets from which to choose.
Ever since your hubby failed at teaching the dog to fetch him a beer from the refrigerator like the one on the Bud Light commercial, he has likely been spending much of his free time thinking of other ways to make beer drinking easier, some of which could result in damage to the house (remember, he never did replace the handle on the refrigerator door).
Never fear. You can get your man a remote control beverage cooler available for $69.99 from The Sharper Image. Hubby simply pushes a button and the cooler glides across the floor to his chair. Of course, he does still have to lift the beer from the cooler to his mouth but I’m sure some guy-inventor is out there working on making that part of the process a little easier, perhaps with an IV drip.
If he’s the type who likes to go out, try the motorized Cruzin’ Cooler — only $700 on eBay — that he can ride to the game. The only problem is, current models do not have a place to store a designated driver so, for now, someone will have to jog behind him everywhere he goes.
Perhaps it would be safest to buy him the Beerbelly beer dispenser, which can be used while walking. For only $39.99 from After5ctalog.com, this handy device allows him to suck beer from a bag strapped to his tummy, making it look as if he has a beer gut. The website shows a trim, muscular model demonstrating the Beerbelly, so it’s unclear how the pack will look when placed over the gut your husband already has. All I’m sayin’ is, don’t blame me when he comes to the party resembling the whole keg.
Lastly, we come to a favorite category among men: items for having fun in the toilet. You can buy your man a personalized toilet seat from Curious Country Creations for only $26.99. Available phrases include “Put Other End Here,” which could be a handy instruction if he’s a little woozy from drinking from the Beerbelly. Personally, I’d go for “Put Lid Down After Using.”
I know, it goes against my rule of not buying gifts that benefit us but who are we kidding? We’d do anything to keep from falling into the toilet when we get up in the middle of the night.
In fact, save your $26.99. A Sharpie will do just as well for personalizing the toilet.
The upside? You can blame it on the kids.
What? Like you never thought of it …