The News Courier in Athens, Alabama

Kelly Kazek

August 26, 2012

A wish for peace, perfect parking space

— I was upset when I heard the news last week: eBay is no longer going to allow sale of hexes, spells or curses on its site. I’m bummed I never got around to ordering that love spell to cast on Channing Tatum.

I know what you’re thinking — I don’t look like the type who needs a love spell. Why, thank you.

It’s just a precaution, really. In case, you know, Chan doesn’t realize I exist or something.

eBay’s decision to stop the sale of “intangibles” on Sept. 1 came after some complaints from buyers who couldn’t actually prove they bought anything because, well, spells are generally invisible. The psychics, tarot-card readers and Wiccans who had been practicing on eBay are up in palms over the news. About 1,500 have signed a petition to ask eBay to reconsider.

Really? A metaphysical e-protest?

Seems they’d be better off combining their powers, making a voodoo doll of the CEO, or calling the ACLU.

They could also make use of the “reverse any spell” spell I found online, which the seller promises, for only $15, will: “inflict monumental revenge on someone who has done you wrong. To have them suffer tenfold the pain and consequences they have inflicted upon you. This is one of the most effective methods of taking someone out of your life you want removed.”

Sounds perfect for the workplace. But be sure to read the warning: “Because it can bring about horrendous times for the person you are seeking revenge on, please do not request this unless it is absolutely necessary.”

Something to keep in mind.

In the past, eBay had covered its collective hindend by making dealers in potions and spells add disclaimers to their pages. One seller wrote: “Seller is not responsible for any paranormal or metaphysical activity that may or may not occur. This service is in no way a substitute for professional legal, medical, or psychiatric counsel.”

Another seller, this one offering a werewolf/shape-shifter spell, explains: “I do the entire casting for you from my personal altar. You will receive nothing in the mail.”

See? You get what you pay for.

To be honest, I never considered paying 10 bucks to a psychic for a reading by email – do you have to scan your palm for that? –  but I was truly crushed to learn I could miss the chance to buy the most practical gift I’ve ever come across, which is listed as Three Wishes from a 1,000-Year-Old Genie.


The biggest benefit should be immediately obvious to women: The seller is offering to grant the three wishes without the presence of the actual genie. How perfect is that?

No bulky, bearded guy leaving his gold-trimmed harem pants on the floor and his camel parked out front, all while expecting me to shave his back – the genie’s, not the camel’s – and do his laundry while he disappears into his bottle to play poker and smoke the hookah with his turbanned buddies.

I have a few more days until the new eBay policy goes into effect so I’ve been trying to decide what I would wish for. Genies are known to be tricky, so I would forgo all that “world peace” and “no more sickness” hooey. I wouldn’t ask for the typical health, wealth and love. Somehow I know that could only end up backfiring on me, like a camel after eating too much prickly pear.

Instead, I’d ask for practical things that could make my life a little less stressful, like:

The ability to always find a parking space right by the door.

Never getting those tiny paper strips in the Hershey’s Kiss stuck in my mouth because I tried to eat one too fast – oh, that was just me?

Always getting my French fry order at just the right temperature and with just the right mushy-crispy ratio.

Important stuff like that.

I’m going to think carefully before ordering, though. As the seller states: “Due to the nature of our business we do not offer refunds … This is not fair to the spirits or us and we can no longer do it.” 

I don’t think I could sleep at night if I thought I had in some way been unfair to a spirit. That’s why I also ordered my PETS T-shirt: People for the Ethical Treatment of Spirits.

Hey, I don’t want the ACLU on my back.

Tell Kelly Kazek what wish you would make by emailing

Text Only
Kelly Kazek
  • kazek, kelly.jpg A relaxing nakation will melt away worries

    September 23, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Today's interactive column: What's your Bacon Number?

    Google has created a search engine that automatically calculates any actor’s “Bacon Number,” meaning how many connections it takes to link him or her to Kevin Bacon, á la the parlor game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

    September 16, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Biography of Kelly Kazek

    Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.

    November 8, 2011 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Warning: Get ready for the apawcalypse

    Humans are being cat-washed — and I don’t mean by little sandpapery tongues.

    September 2, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg A wish for peace, perfect parking space

    August 26, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg What? Like you’ve never glued a foot to the floor

    ... I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me. I like men, especially Channing Tatum, and I don’t even care if he’s smart. So today, in the interest of fairness, I want to give equal space to Stupid Girl Tricks.

    August 19, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Fall of the South? Much ado about Honey Boo Boo

    It’s been 80 years since those living in the Great Depression focused on Shirley Temple to lift them from doldrums. In 2012, in the midst of the Great Recession ... Americans have a new bubbly, curly-headed icon to take their minds off their woes: Honey Boo Boo Child.

    August 12, 2012 3 Photos

  • kazek, kelly.jpg ‘Man aisle?’ What about a single mom aisle?

    I like to tell my peeps I don’t think all men are stupid. Just the ones who practically beg me to write about them like William Bonner of Augusta, Ga., who last week poured a shot of Bacardi 151 on his head and asked a friend to light it

    August 5, 2012 1 Photo

  • A girls’ guide to safe thong-wearing

    Yes, a pair of panties, which in my experience have always been non-violent, has joined the list of items mamas must warn children about: “You are not old enough for your own thong. You could put your eye out.”

    July 29, 2012

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Solutions for 'toe-besity,' bad mug shots

    I personally never worry about slimming down an area I can hide with a nice pair of Easy Spirits and instead concentrate on fat in places that could lead people to think I am pregnant … or a beached manatee … or a pregnant beached manatee.

    July 28, 2012 3 Photos



Do you believe America will ever make another manned flight to the moon or another planet?

     View Results
AP Video
Raw: Israel Bombs Multiple Targets in Gaza Veteran Creates Job During High Unemployment Raw: Cargo Craft Undocks From Space Station Widow: Jury Sent Big Tobacco a $23B Message New Orleans Plans to Recycle Cigarette Butts UN Security Council Calls for MH 17 Crash Probe Obama Bestows Medal of Honor on NH Veteran Texas Sending National Guard Troops to Border Hopkins to Pay $190M After Pelvic Exams Taped Foxx Cites Washington 'Circus Mirror' NASA Ceremony Honors Moon Walker Neil Armstrong Obama Voices Concern About Casualties in Mideast Diplomacy Intensifies Amid Mounting Gaza Toll AP Exclusive: American Beaten in Israel Speaks Obama Protects Gay, Transgender Workers Raw: Gaza Rescuers Search Rubble for Survivors Raw: International Team Inspects MH17 Bodies Raw: 25 Family Members Killed in Gaza Airstrike US Teen Beaten in Mideast Talks About Ordeal 'Weird Al' Is Wowed by Album's Success
Twitter Updates
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.
Business Marquee