The News Courier in Athens, Alabama

Kelly Kazek

September 2, 2012

Warning: Get ready for the apawcalypse

. — Dec. 21, 2012. Mark the day on your calendars.

Don’t freak out – it’s not the end of the world.

It’s much worse. I am convinced the Mayans ended the world’s calendar on that day because they knew what I have figured out in recent weeks: On that fateful day, humans will no longer be the dominant beings on earth.

We will be ruled by … cats.

Look, don’t blame the messenger. The signs are all there.

• Leaving dead animals on your doorstep. You thought this was a “gift?” Or perhaps a sign that your feline, knowing what an inept hunter you are, brought you dinner so you wouldn’t starve? Nope.

It’s a threat. The horse head of suburban life, if you will.

Ignore this warning at your own peril.

• Kneading your tummy. Like most of you naïve souls, I used to think this was cute. Adorable, even. Shannon and I would say the cat was “making biscuits.”

Then I realized what the cat was actually doing: Checking to see if I am “fattening up” at an acceptable rate. I no longer wonder who’s been leaving Hershey’s Kisses with the tiny teeth marks on my pillow at night.

• Jumping in alarm whenever you approach from behind. Admit it. You have laughed dozens of times at the site of your cat leaping toward the ceiling — claws extended, legs splayed — when you enter a room and surprise it. Big mistake. That cat wasn’t flinching. It was trying to distract you from the fact that you caught it gathering intelligence.

Then, last week, came the biggest sign of pending doom: The well-respected Walker Art Center in Minneapolis took what I believe to be one of the final steps in the imminent Cat Takeover by airing the first Internet Cat Video Film Festival.

While organizers said they held the festival to celebrate the “cultural phenomenon” of the popularity of online cat videos, those of us in the news media know the underlying reason: Humans are being cat-washed — and I don’t mean by little sandpapery tongues.

Think about it. More than 10,000 people, some dressed as cats and others with pet cats on leashes, attended the outdoor festival that showed some 70 short online cat videos on a large screen. Sure, people were “awwwing” and laughing, probably wiping a sentimental tear or two, but this was all part of the ee-vil plan of the Feline Underworld, or FU for short.

Why do you think it is called a “catastrophe?”


Catfish?” Well, maybe that last one not so much.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a cat hater.

I happen to be the proud servant to three cats, Charley, and my two grandkitties that just came home from Auburn because Shannon’s roommate is allergic.

And then there’s Lucy the Beagle, who is there for comic relief and to give the cats something to torture while I am at work all day.

And I, like most people, have LOL-ed at and grinned at the sight of ninja cats. Probably, in the backs of our minds, we knew we enjoyed the laughter a little more the day after cleaning up the cat’s vomit from the carpet or being awakened at 4 a.m. with demands for food.

We thought we were having the last laugh.

Now I know this is what the cats wanted. They were lulling us into a false sense of security by allowing us to think that, at infrequent moments over the millennia, they let their guards down and their air of superiority was punctured.

It’s propaganda, people.

As they watch us laugh at the cat riding the invisible bicycle, they are really thinking: “I still have nine lives. Your only one is almost over…“

In fact, I think the FU is responsible for spreading the myth that Al Gore developed the Internet Superhighway. Cats wanted to draw attention from the fact that some cat geek had discovered how to finally take over the human realm. It would just be a matter of time.

As blogger David Burge has said: “When John Atanasoff and Clifford Berry developed the first digital computing machine at Iowa State University in 1937, little did they know that their invention would become an integral part of a sophisticated worldwide cat picture distribution system.”

But the cats knew.

And now, so do you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Now excuse me while I remove the squirrel’s head from my pillow.

Thanks to Pete Woodward, who shared a similar "nine lives" comment on my Facebook page. Send comments to Kelly Kazek at and join her Friday and Saturday for a writers conference in downtown Athens, where you can bid on a book and lunch date.


Text Only
Kelly Kazek
  • kazek, kelly.jpg A relaxing nakation will melt away worries

    September 23, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Today's interactive column: What's your Bacon Number?

    Google has created a search engine that automatically calculates any actor’s “Bacon Number,” meaning how many connections it takes to link him or her to Kevin Bacon, á la the parlor game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

    September 16, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Biography of Kelly Kazek

    Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.

    November 8, 2011 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Warning: Get ready for the apawcalypse

    Humans are being cat-washed — and I don’t mean by little sandpapery tongues.

    September 2, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg A wish for peace, perfect parking space

    August 26, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg What? Like you’ve never glued a foot to the floor

    ... I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me. I like men, especially Channing Tatum, and I don’t even care if he’s smart. So today, in the interest of fairness, I want to give equal space to Stupid Girl Tricks.

    August 19, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Fall of the South? Much ado about Honey Boo Boo

    It’s been 80 years since those living in the Great Depression focused on Shirley Temple to lift them from doldrums. In 2012, in the midst of the Great Recession ... Americans have a new bubbly, curly-headed icon to take their minds off their woes: Honey Boo Boo Child.

    August 12, 2012 3 Photos

  • kazek, kelly.jpg ‘Man aisle?’ What about a single mom aisle?

    I like to tell my peeps I don’t think all men are stupid. Just the ones who practically beg me to write about them like William Bonner of Augusta, Ga., who last week poured a shot of Bacardi 151 on his head and asked a friend to light it

    August 5, 2012 1 Photo

  • A girls’ guide to safe thong-wearing

    Yes, a pair of panties, which in my experience have always been non-violent, has joined the list of items mamas must warn children about: “You are not old enough for your own thong. You could put your eye out.”

    July 29, 2012

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Solutions for 'toe-besity,' bad mug shots

    I personally never worry about slimming down an area I can hide with a nice pair of Easy Spirits and instead concentrate on fat in places that could lead people to think I am pregnant … or a beached manatee … or a pregnant beached manatee.

    July 28, 2012 3 Photos



Which foreign crisis is the biggest threat to the security of the United States?

None of the above
     View Results
AP Video
Raw: Japanese Soldiers Storm Beach in Exercises Raw: Weapons Fire Hits UN School in Gaza Raw: Rocket Launches Into Space With Cargo Ship Broken Water Main Floods UCLA Two Women Narrowly Avoid Being Hit by Train In Virginia, the Rise of a New Space Coast New Sanctions on Key Sectors of Russian Economy Crayola Announces Family Attraction in Orlando US Ready to Slap New Sanctions on Russia Kerry: Not Worried About Israeli Criticism Boater Rescued From Edge of Kentucky Dam Girl Struck by Plane on Florida Beach Dies Rodents Rampant in Gardens Around Louvre House to Vote on Slimmed-down Bill for Border Looming Demand Could Undercut Flight Safety Raw: 2 Shells Hit Fuel Tank at Gaza Power Plant Raw: Massive Explosions From Airstrikes in Gaza Giant Ketchup Bottle Water Tower Up for Sale Easier Nuclear Construction Promises Fall Short Kerry: Humanitarian Cease-fire Efforts Continue
Twitter Updates
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.
Business Marquee