The News Courier in Athens, Alabama

August 19, 2012

What? Like you’ve never glued a foot to the floor

By Kelly Kazek
kelly@athensnews-courier.com

— Guys, this one’s for you:

Raise your hands if you’ve ever known a woman who has done something stupid.

Whoa. There’s no need to raise both hands. And that one guy in the recliner needs to put down his foot — and then go wash the stink off.

I’m just sayin’ I know I have given men a hard time in this column from time to time, although I would never make fun of any incident that led to personal injury, such as the one in Sparks, Nev., where a man shot himself in the toucas last week when he dropped his concealed weapon while watching “The Bourne Legacy” in a local theater.

After all, he had a permit and, bless his heart, probably didn’t think carrying a loaded gun in his pants could lead to trouble.

But I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me. I like men, especially Channing Tatum, and I don’t even care if he’s smart. So today, in the interest of fairness, I want to give equal space to Stupid Girl Tricks.

Don’t thank me. It’s my job as a professional and not-so-highly respected journalist. Besides, I got the idea after super-gluing my shoe to the mat under my office chair last week. Although I wouldn’t necessarily call that stupid. It could happen to anyone who is gluing down a part of the shoe’s rubber sole — while she’s wearing it.

My first example of women more stupid than me: Earlier this month, Louisville, Ky., police responded to a frantic call from employees of a local tanning salon, according to Louisville television station WHAS-11. Employees grew concerned when patron Katrina Jackson, 27, was still in the tanning booth 40 minutes after her allotted 20-minute bronzing time. Workers tried the door only to find it locked.

Feeling sure this woman was about to go from original to crispy, they called police, who extricated her.

Jackson couldn’t tell officers what day it was — apparently she locks herself in tanning booths so regularly she forgets — and she stumbled and slurred her speech. After police found a mirror in Jackson’s purse covered with a white powder, they charged her with possession of a controlled substance, public intoxication and disorderly conduct.

At least she was tan in her mug shot.

Another woman in Santa Monica, Calif., is suing the city for $1.7 billion, claiming high-tech parking meters have caused health problems, according to the Santa Monica Daily Press.

Like cellphones, the meters use wireless signals, which Denise Barton said led to neck pain, ear infections and ringing in the ears. Barton is asking for an additional $1.7 million month for every month that the smart meters are in operation.

I know what you’re thinking. Perhaps Denise isn’t so stupid. Perhaps the parking meters really are plotting to subdue humans into submission, she really is sick and she’ll soon be very rich.

But she’ll have trouble proving her claims. Seems the lawsuit states Barton’s symptoms began in April — the meters were installed in May.

Bet her lawyer’s a guy.

This last story is an example of female ingenuity: A woman in Oslo, Norway, was arrested for shoplifting a 42-inch flat-screen television.

I can hear the wheels in your brains turning — or maybe it’s the Doritos crunching: Just how did she accomplish this feat?

She hid the TV between her thighs, of course, covered it with her skirt and waddled from the store to a bus station on the corner, according to the Daily Mail Online.

A store employee — who noted women don’t typically waddle unless they are nine months pregnant or in a cocaine stupor after being stuck in a tanning bed — alerted police.

Following her arrest, the woman told authorities she has “very strong thigh muscles.”

Ya think?

Oslo officer Tor Grøttom told reporters he was skeptical.

“We wondered at first if this was impossible but then we tried it at the station with female officers. It is hard — but not impossible,” he said. In fact, Tor said he is organizing a Norwegian TV-thigh-lifting team for the 2016 Olympics but so far, he hasn’t gotten approval of the International Olympic Committee.

Kidding! Such an idea would be stupid, right?

Oh, wait. The next summer events will be held in Rio de Janeiro, a tropical resort town that will be filled with buff young athletes.

Where’s my TV? I’ve gotta start training.

For those of you who won’t be able to sleep tonight until this question is answered: Yes, I eventually freed my foot from my desk mat with little damage to shoe or mat. Send sympathy notes to Kelly Kazek at kelly@athensnews-courier.com.