The News Courier in Athens, Alabama

Kelly Kazek

July 28, 2012

Solutions for 'toe-besity,' bad mug shots

— Here is what makes America great: A surgeon can make up an adorably scientific-sounding word like “toe-besity,” tell people they have fat toes and get rich from slicing them open and slimming them down.

In what other country could people be so concerned with plump appendages that they leave a doctor practically rolling in toe dough? It makes my heart swell with pride at our ingenuity.

Dr. Oliver Zong of New York has been resculpting toes for about a decade, beginning his career by tipping toes that were longer than the others on a foot.

Soon, though, he unselfishly realized he could enrich people’s lives — and his bank account — by modifying the extremities of those poor folks born with the equivalent of toe trucks.

I personally never worry about slimming down an area I can hide with a nice pair of Easy Spirits and instead concentrate on fat in places that could lead people to think I am pregnant … or a beached manatee … or a pregnant beached manatee.

Then again, I happen to have been blessed with particularly adorable digits. Just ask anybody.

I can better relate to a problem like Tonya Ann Fowler’s. Tonya Ann, 45, of Winder, Ga., just wanted her picture to look nice in the paper.

Well, sure.

It shouldn’t matter that the paper is called “Bad and Busted.” Tonya Ann had every right to call 911 to complain to Winder police that her mug shot was extremely unflattering and, because it was taken following a prior arrest, she was asserting her right to have a new one taken.

Police obliged, but only because they were now charging her with unlawful use of 911 and disorderly conduct.

The problem is, Tonya Ann may not be the best judge of photos for publication. In my opinion as a professional journalist, she traded a photo in which she looked 65 years old for a photo in which she looked like Marty Feldman.

Just sayin.’

Another indicator of society’s obsession with appearances is a recent news story about Chrissy Lance, 37, who recently was panhandling in a bikini and boots by the side of an Akron, Ohio, road, holding a sign that read: “Not homeless. Need boobs.”

If you saw a man holding that sign, you’d probably slap him.

But Chrissy has managed to raise about $90 toward the $5,000 she needs to get breast implants. She was responsible and got the required panhandling license from the city, but I can think of better things to beg for — like Channing Tatum, for one.

Chrissy said, “Why not panhandle for boobs,” adding they would help improve her “self-esteem.” I can see how begging on the side of the road would be a confidence builder.

But here’s the thing, Chrissy: If you are standing on the side of a road in a bikini and cowboy boots, telling the world you want to fill out your top better, you aren’t really hurting in the self-esteem department, know what I mean?

Here’s a cheaper and less painful solution: Gain about 40 pounds. I guarantee you will fill out a bikini top, although you probably won’t want to wear one anymore.

My advice to all those worried about appearances: Be happy with what you’ve got today.

You could look worse tomorrow.

(You have my permission to quote this, or cross-stitch it on a pillow. No need to thank me.)

Text Only
Kelly Kazek
  • kazek, kelly.jpg A relaxing nakation will melt away worries

    September 23, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Today's interactive column: What's your Bacon Number?

    Google has created a search engine that automatically calculates any actor’s “Bacon Number,” meaning how many connections it takes to link him or her to Kevin Bacon, á la the parlor game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

    September 16, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Biography of Kelly Kazek

    Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.

    November 8, 2011 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Warning: Get ready for the apawcalypse

    Humans are being cat-washed — and I don’t mean by little sandpapery tongues.

    September 2, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg A wish for peace, perfect parking space

    August 26, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg What? Like you’ve never glued a foot to the floor

    ... I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me. I like men, especially Channing Tatum, and I don’t even care if he’s smart. So today, in the interest of fairness, I want to give equal space to Stupid Girl Tricks.

    August 19, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Fall of the South? Much ado about Honey Boo Boo

    It’s been 80 years since those living in the Great Depression focused on Shirley Temple to lift them from doldrums. In 2012, in the midst of the Great Recession ... Americans have a new bubbly, curly-headed icon to take their minds off their woes: Honey Boo Boo Child.

    August 12, 2012 3 Photos

  • kazek, kelly.jpg ‘Man aisle?’ What about a single mom aisle?

    I like to tell my peeps I don’t think all men are stupid. Just the ones who practically beg me to write about them like William Bonner of Augusta, Ga., who last week poured a shot of Bacardi 151 on his head and asked a friend to light it

    August 5, 2012 1 Photo

  • A girls’ guide to safe thong-wearing

    Yes, a pair of panties, which in my experience have always been non-violent, has joined the list of items mamas must warn children about: “You are not old enough for your own thong. You could put your eye out.”

    July 29, 2012

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Solutions for 'toe-besity,' bad mug shots

    I personally never worry about slimming down an area I can hide with a nice pair of Easy Spirits and instead concentrate on fat in places that could lead people to think I am pregnant … or a beached manatee … or a pregnant beached manatee.

    July 28, 2012 3 Photos



Do you believe America will ever make another manned flight to the moon or another planet?

     View Results
AP Video
Raw: MH17 Passenger Remains in Kharkiv, Ukraine Raw: Israel Hits Gaza Targets, Destroys Mosques ShowBiz Minute: Hoffman, Oberst, Box Office WWII Vet Gets Medals, 70 Years Late Raw: Israel Bombs Multiple Targets in Gaza Veteran Creates Job During High Unemployment Raw: Cargo Craft Undocks From Space Station Widow: Jury Sent Big Tobacco a $23B Message New Orleans Plans to Recycle Cigarette Butts UN Security Council Calls for MH 17 Crash Probe Obama Bestows Medal of Honor on NH Veteran Texas Sending National Guard Troops to Border Hopkins to Pay $190M After Pelvic Exams Taped Foxx Cites Washington 'Circus Mirror' NASA Ceremony Honors Moon Walker Neil Armstrong
Twitter Updates
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.
Business Marquee