The News Courier in Athens, Alabama

Kelly Kazek

February 12, 2012

Broken fingernails can shatter dreams

— It’s always a sad day when I have to bring you news of broken hearts and shattered dreams.

I’ll wait while you get a box of tissues.

This first story is an update on one I first reported in a 2009 column. Remember when I warned that a woman named Sheyla Hershey who wanted to enlarge her 38KKK breast implants was risking “all L breaking loose?”

It has happened. Now don’t go calling me psychic or anything. I am just incredibly astute when it comes to weirdness. Ask anyone.

Poor Sheyla. Seems she made it all the way to 38MMM in her quest to beat Maxi Mounds for the Guinness World Record before an infection forced her back to Ks, but now she’s in trouble with the law.

Sheyla, 32, was recently charged with drunk driving when she crashed her car into a tree after a Super Bowl party. She said she had not been drinking but did take drugs for bipolar disorder and depression. Oh, and, surprisingly, she also suffers chronic headaches and backaches. Who could have predicted?

Although Sheyla’s chest was sore after the crash, in her usual style, she turned sour grapes to grapefruits: “I think my breasts saved my life,” she told a reporter. Mmmm … maybe. Authorities at the scene said her, um, to use the scientific word,

jahoobies acted as air bags but it seems the simpler choice would be to wear a seat belt, which Sheyla couldn’t do because bungee cords don’t come standard and no ordinary seat belt could handle the challenge. (I know what you’re wondering: How on earth did she reach the steering wheel? Oh, that was just me?)

Keeping what God gave ya also would be less painful to the wallet: Sheyla has spent about $100,000 for the care and keeping of her breasts over the past 10 years.

I think that’s about what it cost me to raise Shannon to age 10.

I know I made the right choice, though. I wouldn’t have been able to continue my writing career with triple-Ks. How would I reach the keyboard, or, more importantly, the bowl of chocolate Cheerios?

This next heart-breaking story occurred a while back but I just heard the news and knew you would want to be informed. It’s too late to send a sympathy card but, in any case, I don’t think Hallmark makes one that says: “My heart breaks for your broken fingernails — all 30 feet of them.”

Lee Redmond, a great-grandmother, insisted she lived a normal life despite the fact that she had not clipped her nails since 1979 and was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Depends on how you define “normal.” Lee had to hold up her hands so each creepy, curving, 3-foot nail wouldn’t drag the ground but she still managed to give haircuts to her grandchildren — with scissors, y’all. Sheesh, she’s not Edward Scissorhands.

All 10 of Lee’s nails broke down to the nub when she was riding in an SUV that crashed, seriously hurting Lee and critically injuring the driver.

But she had her priorities straight. A story in the Daily Mail stated: “A friend said: 'Lee knows she's lucky to be alive but she's devastated'” about her nails.

Lee’s selfless nature is well known, though. While making the talk-show rounds in 2006, she vowed to cut her nails so she could care for her husband, who had Alzheimer’s disease. Of course, she later decided she wasn’t quite ready to clip her famous nails and, besides, they didn’t really interfere with her husband’s care.

I’d like to hear his side of that story — after all those cuts heal.

On the bright side, Lee has lots more free time now. Where she once had a daily maintenance routine, soaking the nails in olive oil then scrubbing them with a toothbrush, now she can do fun things like go to the bathroom unassisted, brush her teeth and eat with a fork.

So I guess this wasn’t a sad column after all. It shows the importance of seeing the glass as half-full, even if your bra cups runneth over. Oh, and it also shows the wisdom of using the air bags that come attached to the car.

I’m just sayin’.


Text Only
Kelly Kazek
  • kazek, kelly.jpg A relaxing nakation will melt away worries

    September 23, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Today's interactive column: What's your Bacon Number?

    Google has created a search engine that automatically calculates any actor’s “Bacon Number,” meaning how many connections it takes to link him or her to Kevin Bacon, á la the parlor game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

    September 16, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Biography of Kelly Kazek

    Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.

    November 8, 2011 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Warning: Get ready for the apawcalypse

    Humans are being cat-washed — and I don’t mean by little sandpapery tongues.

    September 2, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg A wish for peace, perfect parking space

    August 26, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg What? Like you’ve never glued a foot to the floor

    ... I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me. I like men, especially Channing Tatum, and I don’t even care if he’s smart. So today, in the interest of fairness, I want to give equal space to Stupid Girl Tricks.

    August 19, 2012 1 Photo

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Fall of the South? Much ado about Honey Boo Boo

    It’s been 80 years since those living in the Great Depression focused on Shirley Temple to lift them from doldrums. In 2012, in the midst of the Great Recession ... Americans have a new bubbly, curly-headed icon to take their minds off their woes: Honey Boo Boo Child.

    August 12, 2012 3 Photos

  • kazek, kelly.jpg ‘Man aisle?’ What about a single mom aisle?

    I like to tell my peeps I don’t think all men are stupid. Just the ones who practically beg me to write about them like William Bonner of Augusta, Ga., who last week poured a shot of Bacardi 151 on his head and asked a friend to light it

    August 5, 2012 1 Photo

  • A girls’ guide to safe thong-wearing

    Yes, a pair of panties, which in my experience have always been non-violent, has joined the list of items mamas must warn children about: “You are not old enough for your own thong. You could put your eye out.”

    July 29, 2012

  • kazek, kelly.jpg Solutions for 'toe-besity,' bad mug shots

    I personally never worry about slimming down an area I can hide with a nice pair of Easy Spirits and instead concentrate on fat in places that could lead people to think I am pregnant … or a beached manatee … or a pregnant beached manatee.

    July 28, 2012 3 Photos



Which foreign crisis is the biggest threat to the security of the United States?

None of the above
     View Results
AP Video
Kerry: Humanitarian Cease-fire Efforts Continue Raw: Corruption Trial Begins for Former Va Gov. The Carbon Trap: US Exports Global Warming UN Security Council Calls for Gaza Cease-fire Traditional African Dishes Teach Healthy Eating 13 Struck by Lightning on Calif. Beach Baseball Hall of Famers Inducted Israel, Hamas Trade Fire Despite Truce in Gaza Italy's Nibali Set to Win First Tour De France Raw: Shipwrecked Concordia Completes Last Voyage Raw: Sea Turtle Hatchlings Emerge From Nest Raw: Massive Dust Storm Covers Phoenix 12-hour Cease-fire in Gaza Fighting Begins Raw: Bolivian Dancers Attempt to Break Record Raw: Israel, Palestine Supporters Rally in US Raw: Air Algerie Flight 5017 Wreckage Virginia Governor Tours Tornado Aftermath Judge Faces Heat Over Offer to Help Migrant Kids Kangaroo Goes Missing in Oklahoma More M17 Bodies Return, Sanctions on Russia Grow
Twitter Updates
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.
Business Marquee