Appeared May 25, 2008

Did you know that we are suffering from a lack of dirt?

No, not here in the newsroom. We collect plenty of the stuff, and not just on the politicians.

But it seems the entire planet is lacking in dirt, according to a report from geologists published earlier this month in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

This statement may have made you, like me, scratch your head and say, “I thought the Earth was made of dirt.”

In fact, some people use the words “dirt” and “earth” interchangeably (except, of course, Eartha Kitt).

I see lots of it in my daily activities, especially any time I wear white pants, when it just jumps right up on me, uninvited.

But apparently topsoil is being lost at the alarming rate of 1 percent per year and it is not being replenished.

The article specifically said “lost.” Not stolen. Not a victim of foul play. Lost.

This begs the question: “Where could all this dirt be going?”

Outer space? Under a rug? Congress?

Before any more scientists waste brain cells, Red Bulls and taxpayer dollars trying to find the answer, I’ll talk. I know where the dirt is — it’s in my teenage daughter’s closet.

Perhaps she was storing it in case mud wrestling made a comeback.