I’ve been having trouble falling asleep recently. I lie there at least an hour after lights out contemplating my mattress.

I thought my life was going along pretty well until I saw a commercial on TV that claims the average mattress doubles its weight in eight years due to dead skin cells and dust mites.

E-e-e-u-w!

Not only is this an unappetizing thought, but at this rate, my 10-year-old, king-size mattress has to be gaining weight faster than I. I’m going to have to reinforce the floor joists to keep from waking up in the crawl space some morning.

There are not only dust mites in my crawl space, but spiders too. Is it any wonder I can’t sleep?

Is this exactly what the mattress manufacturer making this outrageous claim is hoping for? Is this a scare tactic to send panicked consumers fleeing to the mattress store?

So, we, as rational people, must dissect this claim. As any right-thinking person would do, I went out on the Internet and posted the question: How much does a king-size mattress weigh?

I didn’t really expect to find the answer quickly, but obviously, other shrewd shoppers asked this same question. Answers.com, which is hosted by Wiki, says a king-size mattress “generally” weighs 185 pounds, give or take 10 pounds.

I’m taking this to mean its new-mattress weight before it has been infiltrated by dead skin cells and dust mites. Given this marketing formula of a mattress doubling in weight every eight years, my mattress must weigh in excess of 400 pounds!

How can I confirm this? It is much too bulky to fit on my bathroom scales, even if I could somehow wrestle it off the bed, balancing while I step on the scales and then deducting my own weight.

That method works fine for weighing my cat between vet visits.

And should I fall prey to mattress-marketing induced phobia and purchase a new 185-pound mattress, how do I remove this potential Titanic from my bedroom before it takes this soul with it to the bottom of the crawl space?

The doors in my house are not wide enough to permit a forklift, so visualize, if you will, trying to hire someone for the task:

“Sir, I have a king-size mattress I need removed from my bed and hauled out to the roadside.”

“Yes, ma’am, we provide that service.”

“Good, good, when can you be here?”

“Wait a minute. How old is this mattress?”

“Um, well, about 10 years.”

“Sorry, ma’am, no can do. My chiropractor says the upper age limit of mattresses I can handle is five years. Your mattress could mess me up good.”

So, you get the picture.

Right now, I’m sitting in my La-Z-Boy chair feeling all itchy. I suddenly suspect that this chair too could be growing fat on dead skin cells and dust mites!

The chair is just a little over two years old. It couldn’t have gained that much weight already.

I wonder if the Internet can tell me how much a new recliner weighs. …

 

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